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04/30/2010 02:16 pm: These are the types of conversations I have on Fridays when things are slow

These were multiple separate conversations, but I decided it was easier to just merge them into one (with some editing).

Brian: now I have to ask if there was a hot chick next to you when you woke up
Me: that would have been nice, but no
Brian: Then there was no point! It doesn't matter how good the food smells if you can't eat it
Me: listen, sometimes you gotta spend some time cooking your food before you eat it. or you have to go out to buy ingredients. I'll try to get some cooking done soon =] but I already have other dishes I'm trying to cook right now, and while there's no such thing as too much food... wow this is the best analogy ever.
Brian: now you are making me hungry
Me: literally hungry or metaphorically hungry?
Chris: hungry and horny are almost the same word
me: I KNOW, RIGHT?
Willy: And both are carnal basic desires. However one exception... sex should always be free.
Me: Well, food is free (not including groceries) except w hen you pay someone else to make it for you. Much like sex =]
Willy: I stand corrected. I guess there's some economic value in alcohol, dinner, cab ride, whatever.
Brian: so... paying someone for sex is like... ordering food?
Me: Sure. Close enough.
Brian: just depends on the quality I guess
Me: and how much you paid.
Brian: street food to high-end quality stuff.
Me: gives a new meaning to "getting some food from the place on the corner"
Brian: oh yeah. you wanna get it delivered too?
Me: well delivery costs extra for a reason
Willy: Food off the corner is great when it comes to 53rd and 6th ave halal. I'm gonna defend that place til I get herpes.
Me: Hey, sometimes that's just what you're in the mood for. If you eat steak every night you're bound to get sick of steak. Also after that last comment I can't figure out if you eat halal or have sex with the employees.
Willy: steak, oh man... that food has a special place in my soul. All sex symbol right there! That's why you gotta cook steak different. BBQ, broiled, with spices, different cuts, etc.
Me: I love all food but kimchi always gets me worked up.
Willy: I work in an environment that's 80% male in their minimum 40s. I'm the steak here for all I know, or halal.
Me: There's a big difference between steak and halal. Both are in demand, but halal usually when you don't have time or money for a better meal. Also, you wouldn't take your parents out for halal.
Willy: Wanna bet?
Me: Well, most people =]

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03/04/2010 10:02 am: "I really miss having my computer": A Response

Listen, getting all hung up on this one computer isn't gonna do you any good. I know you had some good times together, but now it's gone, and it may come back and it may not, but you can't wish it back, and dwelling on it isn't going to solve anything.

My best advice to you is to just sever and make a clean break. If you try to call to check up on it or check on its status online, it'll just make the healing process longer and harder. The sooner you cut it out of your life completely, the easier it will be to let go of the past and just move on. If it helps, get rid of things that remind you of it--CDs you burned on it, programs you installed on it, even the mouse you always used together.

Some people think that the best way to move on is to jump right back out to the computer stores and try out some new ones--no long-term commitments, just browse the web a bit, do some word-processing, maybe play a computer game with the occasional one with low protection settings. You know, get those urges out of your system. If you do, though, just make sure to wear gloves, because you never know who used that keyboard before you.

Personally, I don't think that's the best solution. It's just going to feel empty and meaningless, and you'll think more and more about how great it was to have your own computer, where you could install your own programs and make your own user account. A computer where you didn't have to worry about other people's files, a computer that was always available when you wanted to use it.

Instead, I'd recommend just taking some time off from computers. Maybe pursue some hobbies, go to the gym, reconnect with friends. Focus on improving yourself. It'll make you feel more fulfilled in life, and when you're finally ready to find a new computer, it'll be so much easier.

Eventually you'll forget all about your old computer and you'll start taking a more active interest in new ones--better ones, even, with faster processors and bigger hard drives. And eventually you'll find the right one, the one you'll want to bring home and fill up with your files. You might even store some encrypted files on there, for no one else to see. If you're lucky, the next computer will last you a long time... but statistically, there's a 50/50 chance that something will fizzle and die after a few years, and you might have to part ways again, and start the whole process over.

I know it's tough. I've lost some computers too--on a few occasions, computers that I had so much faith in and invested so much time in that I didn't even think to make any back-ups. And when I got that BSoD, I was devastated. But you always bounce back eventually, and you come out of it a better person than you were before. Hang in there, buddy.

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06/14/2006 01:52 pm: Larry update!

If you haven't read my Chronicles of a Man Named Larry, you might want to do that first.

I got an e-mail from Rick today with this link: http://www.mlive.com/news/aanews/index.ssf?/base/news-18/115029428589890.xml&coll=2

Could it be? Our very own Larry Lee? I don't know if it's the same guy or not, but it's pretty funny either way.

And yes, I am sure he did not grope or molest me. I think it would have woken me up.

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10/17/2005 05:07 pm: Bitterness in the Ballroom

The members of the ballroom dance team are all fairly comfortable and open with each other. Certain dances require you to be very close to your partner, so you generally get used to physical contact, or you stop dancing. So it is that displays that others might reserve for dates or lovers often have very little sexual significance for us.

And it was for this reason a couple Sundays back during the weekly open dance that I found myself standing outside the dance hall giving a shoulder rub to a girl working the front desk. It was for this reason that not much later, when I found myself a seat, I had a girl sitting on my lap. It had no significance: We're just friends, and none of us intend to change that. It's just what we do.

Now it just so happens that fifteen minutes earlier, a woman (not on the team) complained to the board of the ballroom dance club that some guy (also not on the team) had sexually harassed her and offered to give her a "sensual massage". No one told us this at the time; in fact, I didn't hear about it until the following week. I would have gladly toned things down had I known about the circumstances of the night.

But rather than say anything to any of us directly, a certain member of the board wrote the following e-mail instead. I happen to have a number of friends on the board, so the e-mail inevitably made its way to me. There is no describing it: Read for yourselves and form your own opinions. I am not low, mean or petty, so unlike the original author, I will not leave in full names of those involved. And here it is:



Take a minute to evaluate this e-mail without the bias of my opinion. Done? Here comes the bias.

The first half of the e-mail is dumb. The second half is petty and rude.

It sounds pretty hypocritical of D to be talking about respecting and protecting women when every other sentence exposes his own lecherous intent: "Part of the enjoyment of Ballroom Dance is scoping out the pretty dresses..." "Men... should thank women for their presence--the dresses, perfume, gracious smile, lovely jewelry [sic]..." "The whole Flirting question--much riskier. (That's the fun of it! ;) )" "The Union...supports Ballroom Dance, because it teaches students how to Touch one another."

Feeling creeped out yet? I don't know about D, but I do ballroom dance because I enjoy dancing, not because it lets me touch girls, and I know that most of the men on the team are the same way. There are plenty of girls who will gladly let me touch them without the pretense of dancing. Honestly, guys who need an excuse to let them touch girls are pretty pathetic in my book. I don't go to open dance every sunday thinking, "Gee, I wonder what hotties and short skirts I'll get to see today!" I'd much rather dance with a good dancer wearing jeans and a sweatshirt than a bad dancer in a short skirt and lots of make-up. I've had more fun doing swing with some of the ladies in their 50's than some skanks in their late teens--the older ladies actually know their stuff, whereas the skanks think they don't need to if they flash their ass.

Someone clearly has ulterior motives to dancing. And this same person is telling us to respect and protect women? Hey Pot, let me introduce you to Kettle.

I don't even see why he needed to bring up flirting (unless he was just trying to cement his own creepiness in our minds). People will flirt wherever you go. It's just what men and women do. Yes, it happens at the ballroom dance club. It also happens on the bus, in the library, and at the grocery store. And, news flash, there's just as much consequence when you're young as when you're old. I haven't heard of any pre-teen getting off scot-free for rape because, hey, he's young, no consequences yet. What world are you living in, buddy?

But hey, what do I know? Clearly D has reached the higher stages of adulthood, while I still linger in pre-adulthood, right? I'm not sure how old D is--probably too old--but based on his response to this whole situation, I seriously doubt that he is in any position to lecture me about adult behavior and responsibilities. I could go on for hours about real adult mentality and growth, but that's beside the point, and I don't want to go off on a tangent. Let's just say that there is nothing inherent to college and college life that helps people phase into adulthood. I'm very happy for those college students who grow mentally and psychologically during their college career, but they do it on their own strength and willpower, not because the university facilitated it. For every college-aged example of positive growth you can find, I can probably find five counter-examples who are no more adults today than they were ten years ago.

Quick side note--since when is knowing "how to touch one another" a crucial social skill? Verbal communication? Sure. Body language? Okay. Touching each other? Maybe if you want your girlfriends to be happy at night, but I have yet to meet someone who lost all his friends because he just didn't touch them the right way. Honestly, I don't know what he's trying to say, but it sounds pretty dirty. I'm pretty sure the Union supports dance because it's a form of art and expression, not because they think we should improve our touching skills.

Back to the adult/pre-adult issue. The fact that students seek out other students has nothing to do with maturity and adulthood. If you're a twenty-year-old and you find yourself in a new or unfamiliar situation, who are you more likely to seek out, another twenty-year-old, or the over-fifty crowd? Well, according to D, if you were a mature and developed human being, you'd seek out the older adults rather than the pre-adults in your age group. Actually, when it comes to dancing there's a second dimension to consider: Older people are often harder to dance with because they simply don't respond as fast and as well. Speaking as a lead, I can tell you that a lot of the older women don't follow all that well. They can tell that I want them to turn, but since they treat dancing very socially, they do everything at their own pace. This makes dancing with them less fun for me. Part of the fun of the dance is the interplay between the lead and the follow, and if the follow is not entirely responsive, it messes up the game. Now, I have to admit, this isn't true of all the older women--some of them are actually quite good and very fun to dance with, but they are the exception rather than the rule.

The same is generally true of the older men. They don't treat dance as an art, they treat it as a social activity. They don't try to make it look good, they just want to be able to do some steps and move around the floor and socialize. This takes the fun out of it for the girls who see themselves as performers (and just about every girl on the team does). Interestingly enough, based on the "quick-and-dirty rule", most of the older men who come to the dance hall are apparently in the pre-adult stage--they just love to dance with the younger girls. Maybe because the younger girls are often good dancers, but more likely because they're young and dressed up and attractive. More on that later.

Now, remind me here, who did we say is causing the problem?

So much for the first half of this e-mail. That was pretty silly. But at least it wasn't offensive or rude--just ignorant. The second half deserves nothing more than ridicule and contempt.

Honestly, there was no reason to mention individuals or names. The point could have been emphasized just as effectively with a general summary--but that would not nearly as effectively have demonstrated the author's bitterness and repressed nature.

Yes, it is true that the "incident" was a matter of poor timing. But the author himself admits that there was nothing lewd or offensive about our actions. So where exactly is the cause for complaint? We didn't know about the recent complaint. If D had told us, or asked us to tone things down, or even to move someplace less visible, I would have complied. But he didn't.

And, really, how exactly does an action that is neither lewd nor offensive somehow encourage lewd and offensive behavior on someone else's part? Why is it "dissapointing [sic]" that I was performing a stress-relief act on someone else? Please. I've given other men massages. There's nothing intrinsically sexual about it. So how exactly am I encouraging others to engage in illicit behavior? Does having sex with one's significant other encourage the rape of strangers? Does practicing martial arts encourage random societal violence? Does taking free samples encourage theft of commercial items? Please, don't be an idiot.

Wherever you go, you'll encounter creeps and low-lifes and perverts and stalkers. They don't need any cues to act the way they do. To think that perfectly acceptable actions somehow motivate them is simply absurd. Holy shit, guys, don't kiss your girlfriends in public! You're promoting rape! Don't punch your friend in the shoulder for that wisecrack, you're promoting cold-blooded murder! What are you doing in a hotel with that woman?! She has a wedding ring on her finger! Are you suggesting that adultery is moral?! Oh, she's your wife? But... everyone else doesn't know that! Come to think of it, how does D know the girl in question isn't my girlfriend? (She's not, but that's not the point)

This is where the tone turns downright hostile and offensive. Yes, I had a girl on my lap. So what? I'm sorry about your Amish upbringing, but out here in the real world it's okay for boys to touch girls. Get used to it, buddy.

Side note--why was it at all necessary to describe her as "getting a reputation for 'bitchiness'"? What is that based on? And, even if it's true, how at all is that relevant to the point in hand? How does that description serve any purpose except to insult and degrade her? Yeah, good job respecting women there, man.

But, really, D, where the fuck do you get off calling my friend a "floozy"? A lap dance? You make it sound like she had her fucking top off, bouncing around on my lap and shoving her breasts in my face. For God's sake, man, she was sitting on my knee like a five-year-old girl sits on her father's lap. You just try telling any father out that that his little girl is a floozy for sitting on his lap, and then come back and tell me how many teeth you get knocked out.

And all of this about two guys who aren't even in leadership positions yet. Guess what? We're still only being "considered for positions". Whoops! Your bad, buddy! Looks like no one is taking cues from us, because we're still just your average run-of-the-mill members! Yeah, I'm sure the general public is totally influenced by us. You know, the other week I walked in and all the guys were wearing the clothes I had on the week before, because that's how much they want to be just like me. Then they started giving random women sensual massages and demanding lap dances because that's how I taught them to behave. Shit, better ban me now, it's only going to get worse!

But what do I care? All that matters to me is that my "petty office" is enhancing my dating success! You know, despite the fact that I don't have a petty office yet, and that I haven't pursued or dated a single girl that I've met through the ballroom dance club. But, you know, if you ignore those two trivial details, I'm totally using my power to pick up chicks! Slick Willy all the way, man.

You know what, D? You really want to improve the environment and the atmosphere? Then why don't you stop wasting your time on guys who are being playful with their friends and focus on the real creeps? Why don't you talk about the economics professor with a wife and two kids who loves to take scantily clad women in their 30's out into the hallway for a fondle and a few kisses? Why don't you talk about the short Korean man whose eyes are always fixed at his partners chest and who constantly sports a hard-on in his pants? Why don't you talk about a certain late-20's cab driver who always tries to put his arms around girls who look no older than fifteen, who roams around the room with his camera taking candid pictures of strangers? Why don't you talk about the short Indian man who seems unable to spend a week without trying to get someone's number, who always pounces on the new, attractive freshmen? These people are all regulars. I know you know who they are.

And, for that matter, I know why you talk about us and not about them. Because people talk to us, people like us, people accept us, but not them. You have no real reason to resent them--they are outcasts. So instead, your bitterness and repression turn against us. Well, you know what? I'm sorry that you can't touch a girl without the cops being called, but that's not my problem. Too bad that your position of power hasn't enhanced your dating success, but don't take it out on me. What a shame that people avoid interacting with you, but maybe that's your fault and not mine. Your e-mail reeks of bitterness and resentment. Your tone screams frustration and desperation and jealousy. Your words reveal nothing but anger against those who have what you want.

Maybe you need to take a better look at yourself. Maybe you need to spend some time working on your own growth and development. Maybe you need to come to terms with your life. And then, maybe I'll listen to what you have to say.

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09/27/2005 06:37 pm: Showing off my goods

The end of September draws nigh, and that means one thing: Career fair!

If you need to find a job, career fair is two days of stress, tension, anxiety, and very long lines. However, if you aren't looking for work (and I'm not), career fair is a fun two days of watching overdressed students prostrate themselves before recruiters, and, more importantly, lots of free stuff. Let's take a look at this year's goodies:

Xanga: t-shirt
Looks like Xanga is expanding, because they were at the career fair looking for software engineers. I have no desire to write code, but I told them I use their site and they gave me a t-shirt.




Deloitte: bag
I don't know what Deloitte does. I don't really care, either. The bag is nothing much, but I did need somewhere to put all the loot I snatched up. Shell and Amazon also had bags, but I saw Deloitte first. Deloitte had some other freebies too, but silly things like pens or key rings or whatnot. I already have fifty thousand of those.



Capital One: water bottle
Capital One does banking and financial software, or something like that. Their water bottle is rather nice, if I do say so myself. My current one is pretty crappy. Last year they were giving out LED flashlights. I liked those better.



Alticor: travel screwdriver kit
Have you ever heard of Alticor? I sure haven't. I still don't really know what they do. Some pharmaceutical stuff, maybe. They are the parent company of Quixtar and Amway and something else. Still means nothing to me. Anyway, their travel screwdriver kit was pretty nifty (but GM's was better). This one was kind of hard to snatch away. The recruiters were standing on either side of the freebies and seemed rather protective of them. I grabbed a brochure, pretended to be interested, then snatched a prize and darted off.



Guidant: pedometer
A pedometer keeps track of how far you walk, I think. I just saw something with an LCD display and decided I had to have it. The boxes were just behind the recruiter, so I stealthily picked one and slipped away. Oh, and I don't really know what Guidant does.



Cisco: notepad
Cisco does massive networking stuff. I usually don't take notepads, but this one is bound and pretty, and I used up all the pages in my last one, so in the bag it went.



Micron: light-up pen
Micron does semiconductor and fabrication technology. Normally, I stay away from the free pens, but this one was in a nice little case and, to be honest, I thought it was something more unique and useful. It does light up, but I got a cooler light-up pen from some other company last year. Toyota maybe? But I don't know where I put that one, so I guess the Micron pen will do. It comes with an ink refill. Micron was one of the few recruiters I actually talked to, because everyone was talking to the internship recruiter and the full-time recruiter was bored. We chatted for a bit about my non-engineering future plans, he gave me a card and the pen, and I split.



Bosch: ???
I have no clue what the hell this is. I don't know why I picked it up.



Abbott: clock
This is no ordinary clock! You can turn it upside-down and it still shows the time right-side-up! Nifty, but I doubt I'll use it. I picked up a pen, too. I actually wasn't going to bother with them, but a friend of mine really wanted the clock, so I picked one up for her. And then I said, might as well get one for myself too, so I did. Oh yeah, Abbott is a health care/pharmaceutical group. I don't really know much else about them because I would never work for them with my background.



Analog Devices: ice scraper and LED reading light
Now this is the real money shot! The ice scraper is nice, I guess. I thought it was a back-scratcher until someone pointed out my mistake. Not like I have a car to scrape ice off of. But the reading light is something! Look at how awesome and bright and shiny it is! Boeing was giving these away last year (Boeing's were slightly cooler, because when you pressed the 'on' button it automatically unfolded into the upright position). I don't use them all that often but... look at how cool it looks! I'm surprised they let me pick one up so easily. Oh, yeah, Analog Devices is a pretty big integrated circuits company. They make a boatload of things, such as amplifiers, analog/digital converters, embedded processors, sensors, radio devices, audio/video devices... if you dabble in electronics, you've heard of Analog Devices.



General Motors: travel screwdriver kit
General Motors makes cars and auto parts. If you didn't know that, you probably live in a bubble or something. GM's screwdriver kit is slightly cooler than Alticor's because it has a tape measure too.



Exxon Mobil: tiger and oil barrel
Cute. A little stuffed tiger with an Exxon Mobil t-shirt, and a small oil barrel stress relief toy. The recruiters were standing right in front of these goodies, so I was a bit paranoid about just snatching one, but then three or four people went right in, grabbed the goods and ran off, so I followed suit. Exxon Mobil does oil/gas/energy stuff. But you knew that already.



Harris: LED flashlight key chain
Ooh, nifty! I thought about buying one of these a few months ago, but didn't really feel like shelling out the cash. And now I got one for free! So bright and white and pretty. Again, the recruiters were guarding this one closely, but I saw some other people sneak in and grab one so I did the same. Harris does lots of communications stuff. Radio and routers and whatnot.



AT&T: Pen/highlighter
Why the hell did I pick this up? Honestly.



Boeing: flashlight and notepad
What a cute little flashlight! Not as nice as Harris's LED flashlight, but it's still something. The notepad looked pretty nice too, so I figured I might as well take one of those as well. You've probably heard of Boeing, they're a big aviation company. You know, Boeing 747 commercial airliners? Yeah, that's them.



Black & Veatch: measuring kit
I wasn't sure what this was at first, but it seems to be a measuring kit. It has a tape measure with a retraction button, a small marking pen connected at the side, and a few slips of paper under the cover. There's a little vial of green liquid that, I'm told, serves as a level (and ironically, both people who IMed me to identify it as a level misspelled "vial" as "vile", and while the green liquid may look a bit vile, it is definitely inside a vial). I'd never heard of Black & Veatch before. I guess they do all kinds of construction-related engineering.



IBM: chapstick
What the hell? I thought this was an infra-red light at first, because the little cylinder looked similar to the one they gave out last year, which was an infra-red light. Chapstick? Um, okay. Well, I guess I did need new chapstick. IBM does computer and IT work. I'm sure you've seen commercials.



KLA Tencor: tool kit
I had no clue what this was at first, because when it's all put together it just looks like a small rectangular box. But take apart the pieces and you have a big and small phillips and flat head screwdriver, a knife, and a bottle opener. Not too shabby! I stood around for like 5 minutes trying to find a good approach to snatch this baby up, because the recruiters were blocking my path. Finally, one of them moved and I ran in with a couple of other treasure hunters to grab the loot. The website says KLA Tencor does "process control for semiconductor manufacturing and related industries." Okay.



Johnson & Johnson: toothbrush and band-aids
Who hasn't heard of Johnson & Johnson? They're always around to pick up some chemical engineers. Their recruiters wouldn't be interested in me anyway, so I took a toothbrush and some band-aids and went on my way. They had some body lotion and a few other little things as well, but they weren't worth the effort.



BOC: travel screwdriver kit
I don't really know what BOC does. And I really didn't need a second travel screwdriver kit, because theirs is identical to GM's. But a friend of mine wanted one, so I picked it up.



Missed loot
There was plenty of other loot to pick up, but some of it didn't interest me, some of it was too difficult to obtain, and some of it was gone by the time I got around to collecting. Among the missed loot:

• T-shirts from various companies, including Cerner, UBS, some other random groups
  
• Lots and lots of pens
  
• Mints
  
• John Deere hats (I really wanted one)
  
• Honda messenger bags (they always run out, and they're very picky about only giving them out to people who actually talk to the recruiters)
  
• Another LED reading light (ran out before I went collecting)
  

I love career fair.

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